Funny Phyllis Diller One Liners

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

I'm glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I'd be rotten to the core.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

They say that housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Be nice to your children because they will be the ones who will choose your rest home.

The reason there are no women football leagues is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.

The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.

Robert Redford once asked me out. I was in his room.

I have so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still at home is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

If it weren't for baseball, most kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

When the pro tells you to keep your head down, the real reason is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle - keep away from children.