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Miscellaneous Clean Online Humor

Gracie Allen's Recipe for the Percect Roast Beef

Ingredients:

1 Small Roast Beef
1 Large Roast Beef

Put both roasts in the oven.

When the little one is burned, the big one is done.

Kitchen Jokes

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This one is delirious.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

My next house will not have a kitchen - just vending machines.

Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

Skinny cooks can't be trusted.

A balanced diet is a Twinkie in each hand.

Housework

Definition: Husband - A person who can take out the garbage and give the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Jay Leno Quote

With hurricanes, flooding, tornados, mud slides, fires out of control, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

Traffic Accident

Well, Your Honor, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.

How to Get the Police to Respond Really Quickly

Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.

Life After Death

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

The Vacuum Cleaner Saleman

The new salesman had just completed his training and was anxious to put his skills to work. He took his Hoover vacuum cleaner to the front door of a house and rang the bell. A rather unpleasant woman answered. Before she could say anything he threw a pile of cow patties in the door behind her onto the rug. "Lady," he said, "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up all those cow patties, I'll eat them myself."

"I'll get you a spoon," scowled the lady. "Our electricity hasn't been turned on, yet."

Support a Family

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

The Water Pistol

My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.

"Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"

My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."