Christian One Liners

Prayer

God answers Knee-Mail.

The Boss

Under the same management for over 2000 years.

Come As You Are

You are not too bad to come in and you are not too good to stay out.

Insomnia Cure

If you can't sleep, try counting your blessings.

Nutrition

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Yummy

Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbin's.

Cosmetic Surgery

Come in and have your faith lifted.

Refunds

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will gladly take you back.

Seating Arrangements

Where will you be seated in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?

Tithing

Give God what's right -- not what's left.

Which Way?

Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

Two Ears

Since God gave us two ears and one mouth, He must have wanted us to do twice as much listening as talking.

Stand

If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.

Anger

The person who angers you, controls you!

Grading

God doesn't grade on the curve, He grades on the cross.

Flying

If God is your Copilot - you're in the wrong seat!

Unconditional Love

Yes, God loves us all, but He favors "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

The Message

Our job isn't to change the message. Our job is to let the message change us.

Promises

God didn't promise a calm passage. He promised a safe landing.

Praying

When you pray, don't give God instructions. Just report for duty!

Forbidden Fruit

A forbidden fruit will create many jams.

Greatness

You can tell how great a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

God's Will

The will of God will not take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

Best Formula

1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Problems

The problem ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

Peace

Peace starts with a smile.

Benefits

Working for God does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world.

Coffee, Anyone?

How do we know that men, not women, made the coffee in Biblical times?

ANS:  It clearly states that He-brews.

Short in Stature

Who is the shortest man in the Bible?

ANS:  Knee High Myah.

Or maybe it was Bildad the Shoe-height.

Hymn

What is the Traditional Thanksgiving Hymn?

ANS:  Low in the Gravy (Lay Jesus My Savior).

Boaz

What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
ANS:  Ruthless.

Comedian

Who was the best comedian in the Bible?

ANS:  Samson. He brought the house down.

Parents

Which Bible character had no parents?

ANS:  Joshua. He was the son of Nun.

Germany

In Germany, what do they call their pastors?

ANS:  German Shepherds.

Financiers

Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?

ANS:  Noah . He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

Riches

Which area of Palestine was the wealthiest?

ANS:  Next to the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

ANS:  Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Lawbreaker

Which man in the Bible was the most flagrant lawbreaker?

ANS:  Moses. He broke all ten commandments at once.

Play Cards

Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?

ANS:  Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Why Did We Move?

What reason did Adam give his children when they asked he no longer lived in Eden?

ANS:  Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Babysitter

What baby sitter is mentioned in the Bible?

ANS:  David. He rocked Goliath to a deep sleep.

Cars in the Bible

God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

A Honda. The apostles were all in one Accord.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

God is Like a TV Commercial

Then there's the Sunday School teacher who had her 5th grade class watch commercials to see if they could use them to come up with ways to communicate truths about God. Here's what they said:

God is like..

Allstate: You're in good hands.

Alka-Seltzer: Try him, you'll like Him

Tide: He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

Sears: He has everything.

A Ford: He's got a better idea.

Hallmark Cards: He cared enough to send the very best.

Bayer Asprin: He works miracles.

Delta: He's ready when you are.

Alberto Vo-5: He holds through all kinds of weather.

Coke: He's the real thing.

The US Post Office: Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail will keep Him from His appointed rounds.

Scotch Tape: You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

Dial Soap: Aren't you glad you've got Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

General Electric: He brings good things to life.

Jesus Was What??

It's natural for us to think of Jesus as being like us. And there are compelling reasons for us to do so. Here are some good ones:

Jesus was Italian:

He had wine with His meals.

He used olive oil.

He talked with His hands.

Jesus was Black:

He liked Gospel.

He called everyone brother.

He couldn't get a fair trial.

Jesus was Jewish:

He lived at home until he was 33 years old.

He went into His father's business.

He was sure His mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.

Jesus was Irish:

He was always telling stories.

He loved green pastures.

He never got married.

Jesus was a Californian:

He walked around bare footed.

He never cut His hair.

He started a new religion.

Jesus was a woman:

He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of guys who just didn't get it.

He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

Even after He died, He had to get up because there was work to do.