Choir Proficiency Test

Before joining the choir, the director hands you this questionnaire which has been carefully developed by experts to find out how proficient you are. Read and reflect on each situation. Give the answer that you think will most enhance the quality of the performance.

Question 1

As you enter the choir loft on Sunday morning, you suddenly trip and fall. You should:

a. Either remain prone or assume a kneeling position. Break into fervent prayer.

b. Pretend you've had a heart attack.

c. Wave your arms in the air and begin speaking in tongues.

d. Crawl to the nearest chair.

Question 2

You show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:

a. Climb into the back row from the baptistery.

b. Enter pretending to be a soundman. Check some cables, then suddenly slip your cute little self in with the rest of the choir.

c. Turn out all the lights and slip into the choir during the blackout.

d. Read Michael Cunningham's pamphlet, "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."

Question 3

You are a soprano, but have trouble counting. Consequently, you boom out high C one measure too soon. You should:

a. Glide right into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."

b. Gaze triumphantly at the rafters and hold that note.

c. Stop abruptly, mid squawk, but keep your lips moving.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.

Question 4

During the hymn, you discover that you have only one of the two pages. You should:

a. Hum like your life depended on it.

b. Sing, "Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon" in harmony.

c. Remove one shoe and use your toes to try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack.

d. Sing the first page over again.

Question 5

When the inevitable big sneeze comes near the end of the Christmas cantata, you should:

a. Stomp hard on your neighbor's foot just as you sneeze to create a diversion.

b. Do your best to make the honk harmonize.

c. Muffle the sound by sneezing into the hair of the choir member in front of you.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.

Your Results

Tally the number of a's, b's, c's and d's. Proficiency ratings are as follows:

4 or more a's: You will make a first rate choir member.

4 or more b's: Your choir reflexes are fully developed. You will do well in choir.

4 or more c's: Your choir experience is spotty; however, your team spirit is way up there. You will be an asset to the choir.

4 or more d's: The recommendation is that you take another direction, give up choir aspirations and take up something like soccer or group therapy.