More Funny Jokes about Aging

Phyllis Diller Old People Jokes

You know you're getting old when your liver spots show through your gloves.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde."

"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."

His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."

The man rethought his priorities.

Recently I went to the doctor for my annual physical.

The nurse asked me how much I weighed. I told her 135 pounds. Then she weighed me and the scale said 160.

She asked me how tall I was. I said, "5 feet, 5 inches." She measured me and I was only 5 feet, 3 inches.

So she took my blood pressure and told me it was high.

"Of course it's high," I said. "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat!"

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Do you find yourself looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"

If so, you'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room of my new dentist. It was my first appointment. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I recalled a tall, dark haired, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 50 years ago. Could this be the same boy I had a secret crush on, way back then?

When I saw him, however, I quickly discarded that thought. This gray haired, balding man with the deeply wrinkled face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm! Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northampton High School.

"Yes, I did!" he said. "I'm a Konkrete Kid." He gleamed with pride.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1959," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"I was in your class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old, fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"

A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."

"Really," says the first guy.

"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, "We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."

The second man said, "What's the name of it?"

The first man thought and thought, then said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?"

"Oh, you mean a rose?" said the second man.

"Yes, that's it," said the first man. Then he called to the kitchen, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

According to hospital regulations, patients are required to be escorted out in a wheelchair when being discharged. A student nurse was having some trouble with an elderly gentleman who insisted that he did not need a wheelchair. After some discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed. As she was wheeling him out, the student nurse asked the man if his wife was going to pick him up.

"I don't know," he replied. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Three old buddies are out for a walk.

Old guy #1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Old guy #2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Old guy #3 says, "So am I. Let's go get a milk shake."

An old geezer says to his buddy, "I hear you're getting married"

"Yes, I am!"

"Have I met her?"

"Nope!"

"Is she good looking?"

"Not especially."

"Can she cook?"

"Not really very well."

"Is she loaded?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, why do you want to marry her?"

"Because she still drives!"

A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.

Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.

"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.

"Sure," he replied.

"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember that," he said.

"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.

"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.

"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.

"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.

Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"

This old guy was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just got. "It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly."

"Really," said the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Ten thirty."

An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing.

"Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "

"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "